Back to School

One recurring topic in parenting class is how stressed out, overworked, and stretched thin parents feel. Caring for children, managing a household, holding down a job can be depleting under normal circumstances. 18 months of Covid-19 has added further stresses. Thinking about the start of another school year brings up fears of more overwork. What to do?

It turns out that, even before Covid, parents were taking on far more responsibility and doing far more for their kids than they might ideally. Austrian psychiatrist and educator Rudolph Dreikurs wrote,“Don’t do anything for a child that he can do for himself.” Reread that. Don’t do anything for a child that he can do for himself. You do yourself and your children no favor by waiting on them; in fact you are doing them a disfavor, because you are preventing them from that good feeling of contributing and acquiring skills.

I don’t love the word “chores” because it sounds like these jobs must be unpleasant to do, something to get out of. But it’s the word we have, so let’s work with it.

Teach your children how to dress themselves and they can take over from there. No matter that the shoes are on the wrong feet or that the colors don’t “match.”

Teach your kids how to bus their plate after eating, how to put scraps in the compost, how to rinse the dishes or put them in the dishwasher— and watch the load lighten. You’ll also see your kid’s sense of self improve as well.

Teach your children to make their own school lunches. Teach them how to make their beds, how to sort the laundry, how to fold their clothes, how to… take on the jobs that need to be done at home, for themselves, or for the family.

When asked, parents say they continue to do jobs for their kids even after they could do them for themselves because:

1. They can do them faster
2. They can do them better
3. They think it’s their job to do them
4. They want to show their love and regard
5. They got used to doing them and just kept on
6. They didn’t know how capable their kids are
7. They didn’t know how/when to teach their kids these skills.
8. They forgot it was their job to teach their kids

Perfectionism can also get in the way. If Voltaire were still around he would remind us that “Perfect is the enemy of Good.” What matters most is that:

1. Kids be doing these jobs at all
2. That doing jobs nourishes their innate desire to belong and to contribute
3. That they are learning skills
4. That they are gaining a sense of themselves as capable and responsible people
5. That the family can do fun things together if parents are not spending their home time doing chores that the group could accomplish with dispatch

Here’s a tip: from the time kids begin wanting, begin asking to get involved with whatever chores need to be done at home, include them in that work. I know a mother of two active boys who, from the time they were very young, said yes whenever they wanted to help her vacuum the house or sweep the floor or sort the laundry. She never said, “You’re too small, go watch a movie while I do this.” It slowed her down at first but quite soon she had capable sons who can now take care of themselves, cook their meals, tidy the house, do the laundry, in addition to doing their school work and part-time jobs. One mother in PD class discovered how excited her 2.5 year-old was to help out by matching socks after doing the laundry. She came to class and said, “I’ve been underestimating my child!”

Think of it, what might a child think if the parent says, “You’re too small” or “You won’t do it well enough,” “You’ll just slow me down,” or “That’s ok, I’ll do it.”? Perhaps that:

1. they are not needed
2. they are not capable
3. they are not good enough
4. they are not perfect enough
5. they are not fast enough
6. it’s inappropriate to contribute
7. their time is better spent on entertainments while others work

Their sense of initiative and of contribution is sabotaged – by a parent who then complains about how much they have to do!

Interestingly, many teachers have figured out that assigning each student a job in the classroom enhances their self-esteem and their connection to each other. There is often a list of rotating jobs that students are expected to do. The idea of contributing to the good of the group is not unfamiliar to your children!

Attitude matters. If yours is “doing chores around the place is tiresome,” then your child is likely to pick up on your vibe. If you take the approach that caring for your abode and doing the jobs that need doing is satisfying, even enjoyable, then they will pick that up as well.

September is a good time to institute some changes. With the whole family participating, everyone can enjoy the sense of contributing to the well-being of the collectivity and no one need feel they are doing it all alone.

Happy School Year 2021-2022 to you!